MarriageAds

All of the ads are reproduced exactly including creative spelling, punctuation, and capitalization, there is a code at the end of each ad for replies I have not reproduced, phone numbers and emails have been reproduced to illustrate trends.

After our Sunday run, one full lap around the Botanical Gardens this time, Dan and I bought the Sunday paper. After my shower I carried the nicely folder paper out onto the porch to destroy. The landlord’s dogs downstairs were barking more than usual, so I looked out over the second floor patio wall down into the yard of the compound to see Sri Lankan animal control in action. There is no such thing as professional human animal control. If you want to control the animals in your environment you have to have another animal. Our outside dogs attack the stray dogs that wander into the compound, the occasional stray cat that slips in through the black iron gate at the road and of course the monkeys.

After watching the dogs aggressively dispel a stray dog back up to the road, I settled myself into one of the wicker chairs transplanted from the living room and opened the paper. I forced myself to read up on local and international current events, saving my favorite feature for last. I have been utterly captivated by one aspect of the Sunday Times, the Marriage Ads. The Marriage Ads are a column in the classified section containing on average about 160 ads a week. In the Marriage Ads I have learned how people categorize themselves in Sri Lankan society. Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Catholics, Anglicans, and Born Again Christians of Sinhala and Tamil origin all place ads. In almost all cases even the briefest ad will enclose religious affiliation, caste, and region. Ninety percent of ads request a horoscope in reply, a request that cuts across all other factors. Often ads will specify “caste immaterial”or“religious compatibility essential.” If the situation is bleaker, then an ad might read simply at the end, “differences immaterial,” implying that caste, race, and religion are not barriers. Most of the ads are not written by the prospective bride or groom, but by a relative, usually the parents. For a basic example:

We Govi, Buddhist, Kandyian, parents seek hands of an educated professional kind-hearted son for our daughter 26 years. 5’2” B.Sc. Management Marketing, caste immaterial, reply with the horoscope.

“Govi” is one of the higher castes and “Kandyian” means residents of Kandy. I like this ad because of the strange phrase, “seeks hands.”

Often the Marriage Ads are way for the Sri Lankan Diaspora to find prospective partners for their children such as these examples:

Govi Buddhist parents Australia citizens seek suitable girl, educated, attractive with Buddhist values, for their son medical doctor working and Australia handsome, 24 years, 5’3” tall, non-smoker, teetotaler, a vegetarian, brought up with Buddhist values, prefer from Australia. Reply with horoscope and family details. E-mail theproposal2006@yahoo.com.

Well established US citizen with own house Sinhalese wishes to contact a professional lady 40-50 yrs. Who likes to immigrate to the States for early marriage contact aswin____@yahoo.com

The term “early marriage,” is not unusual and seems to indicate some sort of marriage fast-track. A few weeks ago I found a confusing example of overseas Sri Lankans looking back to the motherland for a prospective son-in-law:

Govi Buddhist parents permanently residing in Toranto Canada with assets in Sri Lanka and Canada seek suitable son age between 18-21 years from respectable family willing to continue his studies in Canada for eldest daughter brought up in Sri Lanka value. She is pretty slim height 5’5” studying in Canada in view of marriage at proper age while continuing their higher studies in Canada. Arriving in December for a holiday. Parents please reply with fully details, horoscope, and telephone number.

The only thing I can figure is that the parents of the girl want to bring a young man back to Canada with them for an eventual marriage. They are offering studies in Canada as a sort of incentive. Other ads clearly desire a marriage as a vehicle out of the country:

On next year migrate to Australia. I seek 25 to 40 years well established rich lady to marry. Divorcees, widows also considered. Please reply with details or call on 071*******

This ad is also unusual because the man writes for himself.

In many of the ads the writers like publish any detracting factors up front such as these examples:

Both medical professional Catholic parents seek partner for their pretty 30 years old daughter who works as Legal Officer at private firm, but she is unable to conceive due to birth defect, one brother is a Medical Officer other is a Medical Student.

Buddhist Govi south English Teacher having small assets, divorced after short unsuited marriage, cured a slight illness, now completely healthy, seeks a kind hearted sympathetic, sober and professional partner, widowers, divorcees considered, Horoscope essential.

Parents seek suitable partner with sober habits for daughter 32, 5’1” working for a prestigious company drawing attractive salary dowry fully furnished house worth over 8 million. She has a sight defect at the shoulder. [note: 8 million Rupees is about 80,000 USD]

Well connected uncle seeks educated, pleasant, fair, sociable daughter below 28, preferably medium build over 5’4” for nephew, G/B, 31, 5’11” medium complexioned, big made, (Families who accept physique indifferences are more welcome). He is a UK business degree holder, Managing Director of an established business in Colombo. Substantial assets, religious, non-smoker, sociable, pleasing personality. Please write with horoscope.

One of the defects frequently mentioned is a malefic horoscope. A malefic horoscope often has to do with Mars being in the wrong house at the time of birth according to my internet research on highly reputed sights such as indigoray.net. Other planets and even the sun can result in a malefic horoscope, but Mars seems to be the most common and most powerful culprit. A malefic horoscope can be a powerful force for destruction in an individual’s life, or if it can be harnessed, a powerful force for success. In Sri Lanka there is the sense that if two malefics are together their similar star alignments will give them a better shot at managing their lot in life. Ads often give the malefic star sign or state “Malefic horoscopes preferred,” or “reply with malefic horoscope.”

The age of the proposed bride or groom is almost always given. On the bride’s side if the she bride is over 35 the phrase “but looks much younger” inevitably follows. On the groom’s side an age range for the prospective bride is often specified. Take for example an ad with some unusual features for which I little insight to offer:

Muslim young groom bachelor 29 y. seeks a disabled and widow bride below 25 years, groom working heavy bus Driver. Goldsmith. Pls. contact 715*******

These ads are all in English and therefore necessarily demand a certain level of education and affluence. Normally a laborer, such as a bus driver, would marry his cousin or use the village marriage broker.

Ads will usually specify age, height, citizenship abroad, or another necessary qualification. A recent ad ended with the line “Replies are only for beauties.” On the groom’s side I have seen a few ads specifying that applicant brides not work. A Catholic groom ad required that prospective daughters should be “God loving.”

Sometimes very humble ads such as the above bus driver ad or the following two examples will be placed:

Bodu Deva pleasant educated widow of 39 who lost her husband to Tsunami, having 1 and ½ years old baby boy. Possessing property and other assts in main city close to Colombo. Seeks suitable kind partner. Write with full detail.

A mature working lady foreign or local Aethetic minded widow dovorcee or separated sought by Artist/Designer 42 Buddhist Vegetarian works as Art Director for Ad Agency dark complexioned Afroasian looking. No assets, simple lifestyle. Age, religion race, immaterial older ladies considered write or call in English or Sinhala. 077*******

I found the tsunami ad heartbreaking. In its few lines I could see the story of a woman who had finally became pregnant with her first child at age 37. I read this ad in September of 2006; the father must have died before the child was even born.

Some seem to post ads that are not for marriage at all such as the following examples:

33 years independent handsome well-established quail professional (married with children) seeks female partner with open mind for a non-committed relationship. No marriage intended. Willing to consider divorced/separated individuals for mutual understanding for matured relationship. Genuine motives for a kind-hearted non-judgmental person with good life understanding. Please respond with good intention Include full details about self, family background, contact details. Confidentiality preserved.

Gent G/B 27+ PhD holder currently conducting research on “Marriage and Caste” seek a lady interesting in Psychology for marriage. 0723*******

In the first ad the writer seems to be advertising for a mistress. I can only guess that he asks for family background to get a feel for who might come around to light his house on fire if he gets found out. As for the second ad I seems to me that he is after some sort of observer-participant angle to his work.

When I read the ads on Sunday afternoon on the porch I like to imagine the stories behind them and the tensions in Sri Lankan culture. I see the parents advertising for their children abroad. They want their children to live in the West with all of the opportunities and safety not available in a country bogged down in a 20+ year civil war, but they don’t want them to marry and assimilate into Western culture. These parents want grandchildren brought up with the Sri Lankan Buddhist values. The civil war, or ethnic conflict, is seen by some as a battle for national identity. Many Buddhist Sri Lankans take great deal of pride in the historical role of Sri Lanka as the portal through which Theravada Buddhism found it way back to Southeast Asia in the 11th Century resurgence. Many Burmese and Thai monastic lineages trace their roots back to Sri Lanka. Many Buddhists equate the preservation of their culture and Sri Lanka’s identity as a Buddhist nation with the preservation of the Dhamma itself.

I see parents of well educated women in their late 30’s, concerned that their daughters will never marry. I envision these women working in Colombo, driving their own cars and paying their own bills after having worked hard for their law, advanced accounting, and medical degrees. I imagine fights at the family table where the parents say “enough is enough, you are nearly 40, we’re putting you in the Sunday Times.” I see the daughters protesting that a dowry should be placed on their heads, their defects advertised like cattle, and the phrase “but looks much younger” added to their descriptions. In one ad I even saw a father’s anger that his daughter cut off her traditional long hair as his bluntly disclosed this fact in the ad stating “she has short hair,” as a warning at the end.

I also envision the readers. I see the parents of grooms looking for the right mix of horoscope, caste, and especially the dowry offered. A few of the groom ads specify “no dowry expected.” I see educated but poor families hungrily gravitating towards those ads. I see spinster aunties left at home, scanning the Sunday Times for just the right girl already in Australia for their nephew in Sydney, heaven forbid her sister’s son marry a non-Lankan.

Interestingly, only once have I seen the same ad from week to week, it caught my eye because the mother describes her son as having “left side weakness.” I save each week’s section, circling and attempting to track the ads that interest me. It is possible that some boring ads are repeated or come out with different wording, but I suspect that people tend to advertise at on an astrologically auspicious week for them and not place ads week after week.

My all-time favorite ad, the one I search every week to surpass, was printed as follows:

Muslim brother of Quran Sunnah with Taqwa assists sister as second wife who should be young able in Arabic or English with humble qualities right sister will be given Mahar and accommodation. aswajpious@yahoo.com

The sunnah are those religious actions that were instituted by the Prophet Mohammed during his ministry and literally translates as “trodden path.” Taqwa is an awareness of Allah and one’s responsibility to Allah as his servant. I have no idea about “Mahar.” I also like the “aswaj pious” email address. I interpret this ad as conveying the message that this man thinks that he is very pious and is looking for his second wife in the Sunday paper. What could ever top that?