The Break-Up

I've been back in the States for over a year, I tried to do the freelance journalism thing for 6 months, till my 2006 tax return ran out. Then I went back to work at the women's prison as a nurse, dayshift this time. Dayshift at the prison is unsafe at any speed, we don't have near enough staff to care for 1,200 angry women every day. The infirmary is overrun with one nurse to cover about 30 patients who require various levels of care. At least once every day I find myself thinking "I can't do this, I just can't do this," then I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am doing it, and just have to keep on forging ahead. At the end of each day I leave the facility amazed that nothing horrible happened.

Dan and I broke up in late May, after I'd been back at the penitentiary for a few months. I think he wanted to unload me for awhile, our fights were going to a new level this past spring and I felt like I had to talk him back into the relationship. One time, about a month before we broke up, I felt him pulling away and I told him to just break up with me, just do it, and not too worry, I wouldn't crumble. But this is how it ended: I was working a string of 5 12's, I came home the first night and we had some tension, I think he wanted to play video games and I wanted him to curl up in bed or spend some time with me. Next night, I think we both weren't looking forward to me coming home, he unleashed a stream of hurtful dialogue on me, things he resented me for that went back over a year. And I just knew the situation was all played out. I told him to stop, I didn't want to hear any more, that I would be gone in a week. The next night I came home from work he was at a hotel, so I gathered he was not interested in working it out.

I found an apartment in a day, used his truck to pick up all of my possessions and move them to my new place. Luckily I don't own much. In one week I was set up in my new little one bedroom. In the immediate aftermath I had a manic episode, I couldn't sleep, I'd be awake until midnight and woke up at 5 AM. I never felt tired. The mania helped me get through the move and get set up, plus, I saved money on food because I didn't eat much. I lost ten pounds in 2 weeks. I when I was wide awake at night I looked back at pictures from this past Christmas in Galveston with my mom and step-dad and thought "you know, we were really happy, what the hell happened?"

When we came back to the States and started going out with other American couples I realized something was missing between Dan and me, some form of closeness was gone. I mentioned it to him, and he acknowledged that he felt it too, we were removed form each other. We didn't spontaneously touch and check-in with each other like other couples. We were bored of each other. I set about trying to re-establish the connection, I was convinced that if we had some sort of activity we both enjoyed, that would help feed the energy of our relationship. I kept waiting to feel a certain way and he felt frustrated because he felt he could never please me. As his dissertation drew to a close he began a personal renaissance, planting a little victory garden in the backyard and delving into solitary activities I had no interest in. He felt that I resented the time he spent on solo hobbies, because, well, I did. I wished he would put that energy into something related to us. I felt starved and he felt hounded. He felt social anxiety and depression and I felt abandoned and rejected. I encouraged him to start therapy, I found him a personal trainer at the gym, and got a massage therapist to come to the house. He began to feel better, but that didn't bring us any closer.

I edited his dissertation, helped him clean out years of trash from his basement and backyard, and brought the household into a state of efficient organization. I managed his elderly parent's healthcare and legal affairs. The energy and power that allowed me to take control of these issues and improve his writing, health, and living conditions, turned out to be a force compelling his need to rebel against me, quietly resent me, and withdraw. I know he gave up on some level long before we broke up. I often wonder what it's like for him now, does he miss me? Is the house a wreck? Is he fat or thin? How did the last chapter of the dissertation turn out? Does he feel freed from an oppressive relationship? Does he have regrets? But I will never know. Dan and I no longer speak or have any form of communication at his request.

Dan did teach me to shoot, I am a member of the local rifle and pistol club now, he let me keep the .357 revolver I liked so much and I recently bought a used .22 Ruger Mark II target pistol. He was generous to me in the post-relationship distribution of possessions, letting me keep to hot water dispenser, the gun, and my favorite jade plant in the pretty porcelain pot. It seems crazy to me now, the idea that I will never go back to Sri Lanka, never see the Galle Face again. I know I will never go back because there is no reason to go back. If I get that kind of time and money together in the same place I am not going to waste it on Lanka.