Reaction

One of my least favorite things about myself has always been my delayed reaction to negative situations. Most people look back and thinks "I wish I did X,Y, or Z." I look back and think "I wish I had done something, anything." I go on autopilot or freeze until a threatening or upsetting situation is over. If things get bad enough I start to cry. I tend to disassociate and sort of go somewhere else until I feel safe again.

Disassociation can be good in nursing because it allows me to jump in and do whatever needs to be done without getting emotional. My first really solid code red was a perfect example. An inmate had cut herself all up and down her arms with a razor blade, they can buy razors for shaving off of commissary. She was covered in blood, the bed was soaked in blood and clots, the white floor was red. When I walked into the cell I felt weak in the knees for about 10 seconds and then I just started in. I am the charge nurse, so people look to me for leadership. I just started telling people what to do, what to write, what to get as it came to me. Security was video taping the whole thing. The whole thing went off very well and I have received positive feedback from my managers and security command staff.

Disassociation can be bad in the work place because I have a really hard time being confrontational. If someone gets confrontational with me I just want them to go away. I can't even really get into the issue at hand. I have been criticized in the workplace for not standing up for myself. This applies to my personal life as well.

A few weeks ago I was slapped on the hand by an inmate. This is simple assault in the prison system. If there had been any sort of lasting damage it would have been aggravated assault. Rather than just be quiet, which is my natural impulse, I said something to her right away. I told her that her action was not appropriate, "you just can't do that in here," where my exact words. This may seem simple and obvious, but for me it was a breakthrough. I wrote a charge on this inmate and she got 15 days in Seg.

Last night at work I was confronted with another situation, this time with staff. I was in my nurse's station in the security bubble with a male nurse who started making very unflattering comments about one of our colleagues. I asked him very simply to stop being an asshole. He responded with a jockish punch to my shoulder. I went into shut-down mode, turned my back to him, and sat down. He kept on with the comments and said "oh come on..." and punched me again, at least once. Maybe twice. I could feel my face turning red. All of a sudden I reacted. He was standing behind me, I swiveled around in my chair and whacked him across the small of his back with my forearm. Not lightly, not jokingly. I then said "leave my bubble right now, I'm not even kidding, leave." He got up an left. He had an hour left in the shift and I could barely even speak to the officer with me in the bubble until I knew he was gone.

I wish that I would have stood up and just did the verbal piece. I don't think that anything will come of this situation, but I definitely whacked him pretty well, and you really shouldn't do that in the workplace. I am pleased with myself that I did have a reaction, even if it needs to be fine-tuned.